There’s a lot to be said for powering through a project. For setting goals, and doing what it takes to accomplish them.

But sometimes…. you just can’t. Sometimes life has other plans and other demands.

For me it’s been the harshness of the winter and some things too personal for the blog (involving harassment against my cutie and a friend of a friend of mine). I haven’t been sleeping well and the deficit is playing havok with my moods. I spent the first week of January sick.

Today it was all I could do to get to the co-working space this morning. Editing is out the question; my brain is a soggy goopy mess. My planner has a list of all the things I should have accomplished by now, as decided in December without knowing what January would bring; Space Crazies won’t be finished. Not even close, and that thought pushes me near to tears.

But I am not at tears yet. Not yet. Instead of mourning Space Crazies, I’ve made a list of all the smaller tasks that are outstanding. Emails I’ve put off; tootles that need typing–it’s a long list. But each item is small and focused and crossing each one–even if it represents the bare minimum of a ‘task’–gives me a little jolt to keep going. Enough small jolts and I may yet cross into February with only Space Crazies outstanding. I’m going to try, anyway.

It’s cold outside, but I have a cup of the good coffee beside me and a gentle soundtracks in my headphones (Samorost 2 & 3, mixed with The Expanse and Tettix for a well-rounded trail mix of instrumentals). I have a few more pomodoros to do before I call it a day and walk home. Groceries on the way. Dinner to make. Maybe I’ll get to the laundry; maybe I won’t. It can keep. Maybe I’ll read instead. It’s cold outside and I am very tired.

January brings resolutions and the start of new plans, but I wish sometimes that we left that for March and used January as a rest month instead. But as I can’t change society I’ll just focus on changing myself.

Just keep swimming, friends. Be kind to yourselves, whatever form that takes.

Published in blog personal


Victoria Feistner is a novelist, a graphic designer, and an artisan in equal parts, although some of those parts are more equal than others. She resides in Toronto with her husband and two fur children, also known as cats.

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